| Elijah, the kid in my life, is having surgery today. he's been in the hospital since friday due to some tests needed and machines he's hooked up to, and today he is getting a tracheotomy. i'm kind of stunned about it all. i went up to see him on sunday and the reality of his condition hit me extra hard, seeing him with wires attached to his hands and face and stomach and feet... Elijah is not a normal kid. and he's not okay. i'd like to think that i'm not an emotionally charged person, but when i got home from the hospital on sunday i went into my room and cried for awhile. he breaks my heart. i can't do anything for him, i can't be strong for him, i can't be protective for him, i can't get angry for him, and i don't know what to do with myself. i revisited him at the hospital on monday evening, and tuesday evening. i can't go up today because of the surgery, but i will hopefully be able to see him tomorrow. it's hard for me not to be extremely angry at his birthmother (yes, he's adopted). she was doing hardcore drugs while pregnant with him, which is why he is so sick and hurt. his brain is half the size it needs to be. his lungs won't support him anymore. his body doesn't know what to do with itself. he can't control his body temperature. he can't walk, crawl, sit, talk, laugh, cry, sing. why did she do that to him? and then i get mad at God-- why does He allow one person's mistakes and sins to so seriously affect someone else's life? Elijah didn't do anything wrong. he is completely innocent. and yet he is the one suffering for her mistakes. how could she be so selfish to not consider his well-being, and how could He allow Elijah to suffer the consequences? i don't want to hear any religious crap from anybody. i know i sound bitter, i know i sound angry, i know i sound like i'm in a bad place. but i also know that this is something God and i have to duke out alone. just pray. pray that the surgery goes well, that his body does well with the trach, that he is able to be weaned off the ventilator easily, and that he does well with the anesthesia (that has been a problem previously). pray for my sister and her husband, that they would have the energy and emotional strength to deal with this and prepare for a new section in their life. Pray for their other baby, Kimora, who has only been at their house for three weeks (another foster baby) and is confused about her new mommy being gone all the time. |
